The Evil Morning Commute

Did you ever see the movie, “Office Space” with Ron Livingston, Jennifer Aniston and Gary Cole? The film opens with the main character, Peter Gibbons, stuck in a traffic jam on his morning commute to the office. He’s drumming his fingers on the steering wheel in frustration as he sits in a non-moving lane while the cars in the lane next to him are moving right along. Finally, he’s able to ease out of his lane and merge into the moving lane. Which promptly slows to a stop. And then, of course, the lane he has just left starts moving.

Yeah, well, that’s how my morning commute has been going lately. And it is. Driving. Me. Nuts.

Haha, aren’t you funny. Okay, so sure, I was already a little nuts – but, you have no idea. This commuting thing is putting me right over the top in the nuts department.

One morning last week I gulped down my coffee a little faster so I could leave home a few minutes earlier. I tried a different route, thinking that I’d have enough extra time built in for slow-moving traffic due to the approximately ten sprinkles of rain we were experiencing. Well, not only did I not make it to work on time, I was about 15 minutes late. Why? Because those ten raindrops were apparently enough to cause a five-car accident. So much for thinking, eh?

Oh well. At least I wasn’t one of the five drivers with smooshed fenders.

Another morning, I noted that it was a good commuting day. There was no rain, no snow and just a little bit of sunshine with enough cloud cover so that drivers wouldn’t be blinded by the sun, which evidently causes many drivers to bash into the car in front of them for no good reason other than to cause me to be late for work.

But despite the near-perfect atmospheric conditions, Columbus drivers were uncooperative and I was doing the finger drumming on the steering wheel thing. There was another multiple car accident close to downtown. Big surprise. It made the phrase, "stop-and-go traffic" a complete misnomer as there was very little “go” in the traffic that morning. What’s worse is I never heard about the accident from the traffic reports on the radio. And given that the tow truck was already there (blocking traffic, of course), I knew the accident had not just occurred.

Traffic reports are – in my humble opinion – pretty worthless. Yet I still listen to them carefully and choose a route before leaving home. Inevitably, I choose the wrong route. I find out about some new tie-up about a second after I’ve passed the point of no return. Either that – or the traffic reporter never even mentions a problem on the route I’ve chosen, yet traffic is still backed up.

Yesterday was the first day of school for the multitudes of Ohio State students and, as I feared, traffic was at a near-standstill. At least until I finally passed the campus exit. Since I didn’t own a vehicle and lived on campus all four years back in the dark ages when I was an OSU student, I had no idea what was happening on the freeways around Columbus. Now, however, I am painfully aware. Clearly, there are a lot of students who commute.

Not only that, but the fall quarter is the worst time for campus traffic as students start out all shiny and diligent and take early morning classes. By the time spring rolls around, I sail right along past campus since the student commuters have smartened up and don’t start class until a more appropriate hour, like, say, noon.

It's a win-win situation for both the students and me at this point. But, sadly, I’m among those commuters who pay for their learning curve at the beginning.

I suppose I should look at the bright side of this whole thing and be grateful that I have (thus far) avoided being one of the poor souls standing next to their crunched cars frantically dialing their insurance agents.

Saying this, of course, makes me knock on wood. Every time. Even writing it makes me knock on the desk. I really don’t want to talk to my insurance agent and I will be most happy if we never meet in person. Ever.

I seriously hate the word “deductible.”

So, until I become either independently wealthy or my boss tells me I can work from home in my PJs, I guess I’ll have to grin and bear it and keep on truckin'. (Ha. Like the truck driving profession is one I would ever attempt - for more reasons than mere traffic snarl-ups!)

Nevertheless, I can’t promise that I won’t be the commuter grinding her teeth and drumming her fingers on the steering wheel in utter frustration.

Yeah, upon further contemplation, which took approximately 3.2 seconds, you should probably count on that.

Do NOT Follow Me!

An hour and thirty minutes. Correction: an hour and thirty-TWO minutes. That’s how long it took me to traverse the 17 miles to work today.

First it was raining, and then it was snowing and then we were getting some mixture between rain and snow, which felt a little like someone flinging ice chips at my windshield.

Before venturing out, I carefully listened to the traffic reports and then mapped out my route. Immediately I discarded the idea of traveling 71 South since it was closed halfway to downtown due to high standing water. I didn’t want to (a) sit in traffic, or (b) float my way downtown. Perhaps now I see a reason to own one of those strange-looking amphibious automobiles like we saw at last year’s Auto Show, after all. Wonder if they come equipped with snow tires, too?

I left home approximately 15 minutes earlier than normal, which as soon as I saw the weather conditions, knew wasn’t early enough – but I thought I could maybe get to work somewhere close to my regular start time. I’m either completely delusional or have somehow inexplicably retained my childlike positive outlook on life.

Yeah, I’d go with completely delusional, too.

Nevertheless, I gamely started out. I left an assured clear distance between me and the driver in front of me. I didn’t speed – not that it was possible to speed – unless 5 miles an hour can remotely be considered speeding.

When I reached the ramp I normally take, I saw an interminable line of red brake lights, so I elected to go straight, which meant that I’d be driving South on High Street. This actually wasn’t a bad decision. Sort of.

You ever see that cartoon, Family Circus? When little Billy heads out the door of his home and, instead of walking in a straight line to his destination, takes all sorts of little detours so he can explore everything in his neighborhood and you can tell where he’s been by all the little black dashes in the drawing?

Well, I sort of felt like that this morning. I was on one road, and then diverted to another road when I saw police cruiser lights ahead. Assuming there was an accident, I veered off to avoid sitting in traffic. I took so many lefts and rights on my convoluted route, I can be assured that nobody was following me!

Eventually, I ended up on the Ohio State campus, which was definitely not where I wanted to be. There are way too many pedestrians down there – and they have the right-of-way. I didn’t think it was a good idea to start my day by plowing into a college student.

So I turned left somewhere in the middle of campus and then turned right again. And, finally ended up on a road that heads into downtown.

If someone had been mapping my route with black ink, it would either have resembled little Billy’s convoluted journey – or a big plate of spaghetti.

While I never sat in non-moving traffic, I probably would’ve gotten to my destination about the same time as if I’d just stayed in the long line behind all the brake lights on the freeway.

And the weather now? Nuthin’. There is no snow other than a mere dusting on the flora and fauna. There is not a speck of snow on the roads. It’s not raining. And no one is flinging ice chips at any windows whatsoever.

Are you kidding me?? If it’s gonna take me an hour and thirty-TWO minutes to get to work, I would appreciate it if we had at least SOME blizzard-like conditions out there!

Ah well. I’ll get over it. Allow me to wish you a happy weekend. Stay warm. And may it not take you an hour and thirty-two minutes to get to your destination. (Unless it’s significantly more than 17 miles away!)

Who's Sick of Winter?

So…winter came back with a vengeance. Snow and ice. Freezing temperatures. Y’know – all the stuff to let us know that it is still FEBRUARY, after all, and we shouldn’t expect to be wearing those t-shirts and flip flops again anytime soon.

Nevertheless, on Sunday I believed my own hype about our mid-winter reprieve and ran out the door on my way to church wearing a lightweight corduroy jacket. No hat. No gloves. No wool scarf. Vince, wearing his sensible winter jacket, tapped the weather icon on his handy-dandy iPhone (SO glad he got one…), and turned the screen so I could see that it was a mere 31 degrees. The non-verbal subtext was that wearing a lightweight corduroy jacket was a stupid move.

Okay, okay...I admit it wasn’t perhaps the smartest move on my part. I guess I should have listened to the weather report before venturing outdoors.

While we weren’t bombarded by enough snow to measure it in feet rather than in inches, it was enough to snarl up traffic yesterday. Apparently there is at least one patch of ice on each of the major roadways that snowplows are required to miss so that traffic is forced to slow to a crawl. And that very ice patch on 315 South was the one some car had to slide on and then skid into the car nearest them and cause a wreck. And it certainly wasn’t the only one. I swear there was at least one accident on each of the routes I could possibly take to get downtown so that I had zero possibilities of getting to work in under an hour.

And I had only allowed an extra 10 minutes for foolish drivers. Silly me.

Fortunately, I wasn’t the driver who slid into the ice patch and caused the wreck in the first place. Gotta be grateful for the small things, right?

Today, however, I was able to get to work on time. Not that there weren’t the same problems that we experienced yesterday. But I just lucked out and picked a different route that didn’t have any major traffic snarls. Sometimes it’s a crapshoot and at the very last possible second I veer into another lane to take a different route. And then I cross my fingers and hope that I made the right choice.

Today, thankfully, I made the right choice. I congratulated myself all the way downtown, particularly whenever the traffic report aired. Every time the announcer reported the ever-increasing backup on 315 South, I gleefully pumped my fist in the air. Sad, huh? When this part of the winter rolls around, we take even the most miniscule of victories to lofty levels.

Who knows? Tomorrow I may even be bumping knuckles with myself for having picked out a pair of matching socks.

Sigh. Will spring NEVER arrive?

4:15 In The Freaking AM

Vince’s alarm didn’t go off at its regularly scheduled 4:15 AM wake-up time. Fortunately, he woke up on his own 15 minutes later – but that’s 15 minutes that he needs to get himself coiffed, dressed, fueled up with breakfast and coffee and out the door and on the road.

So I got up with him this morning. At 4:30 in the morning. That’s A.M. in case you missed it. I don’t do 4:30AM well.

Nevertheless, the man has done his fair share of getting me up and out the door at the appointed time, so I thought it only fair to reciprocate. One 4:30AM reciprocation should suffice for hundreds of 7AM efforts – don’t you think?! Wonderful. Glad we're in agreement. (Hey Vince – good news. We’re even!) (And, yes, I do realize that it’s good news for me – but it’s good news nonetheless!)

So anyway, while my husband got himself ready for the day, I stumbled downstairs and pushed the “on” button for the coffee maker and put a bagel in the toaster. I collected his lunch from the fridge and put it in his insulated bag. And I poured his now piping hot, fresh coffee into his travel mug.

And then I did something that I personally thought was pretty darn heroic. I sliced some sort of fish sausage that he bought last week when we were in upper Michigan – and put the slices on his bagel. Ick.

I really don’t do fish. Three hand washings later, I swear I could still smell seafood on my fingers. But Vince thinks this fish sausage is tasty – and has been enjoying it on his morning bagel, so I wanted to make the guy happy.

Once I shooed him out the door, I was less sleepy and wondered what sort of trouble people get themselves into before dawn’s early light. So I flipped on the computer and did some surfing. I cleared out my junk e-mails. I finished yesterday’s blog and got a head start on this one. And I wished assorted and sundry friends a happy birthday today.

By this point it was all of 6AM. Still too early to get up unless I wanted to do something crazy like deep knee bends or stomach crunches in the living room. I didn’t. But by this time, I was also freezing, so I hustled back upstairs and donned a pair of wool socks and a long sleeve sweater – and then jumped back in bed.

This was not a smart move – because I fell into a deep sleep and I, too, did the “15 Minutes Late” dance. Arrgghh! And there was no Vince downstairs to prepare my morning (fishless) bagel.

Nevertheless, I’m a whiz at putting myself together on the run and getting out the door on time. I grabbed a breakfast bar and my coffee and hit the road. I was in time to hear “celebrity sleaze” on the Morning Zoo, so I knew I was on track.

However, what I neglected to take into consideration was that it was another cold, rainy morning. A little bit of drizzle outside and commuters freak out around here. There were about a billion of us all heading toward downtown at the aggravating pace of about 30 miles an hour. Ugh.

Guess it’s time for another recalculation of the morning departure time. First we had the yellow school bus situation. Now we have the bad weather situation. If these situations keep up, I may be getting up at 4:15 with Vince to head downtown for my morning commute. Sure, I’d get to my office before anyone in the civilized world is awake (yeah, yeah, I know about time zones…work with me here), but at least I wouldn’t have to deal with the slow-moving masses.

Let me think about that for a minute. On the one hand there’d be virtually no traffic. On the other hand…4:15 AM.

Guess there’s no contest.

Okay, you Columbus commuters. It’s only a little rain. MOVE IT!