I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept thinking about the night of April 27th of 2021 turning into the early morning hours of April 28th when my world shattered and I lost my Vince. Three years ago. Sometimes it seems like three minutes ago – and sometimes it seems like three lifetimes ago.
But this morning, despite my lack of rest, I got up, got
dressed – and met my friend Debbie at church. And then we went out to breakfast
afterward where we talked, reminisced a little and toasted Vince.
I think he would have been honored by both activities – the music
and the message of God at church was uplifting and he would have taken more and
better photos than my one, timid attempt. He would have been moved by the
sermon and would have posted something inspirational on his social media pages.
And he would have thoroughly enjoyed the bacon and eggs that were on the menu at First Watch. I enjoyed them because I don’t cook bacon and eggs – so it was a rare treat for me.
When I came home I walked Maggie and attempted to get some of
the more mundane household chores done – like cleaning out the crisper drawer
in the fridge and dusting the baseboards. Yuck. Who thought this was a good
idea??
Neither chore made me feel like I accomplished much – so I settled for running the dishwasher and scrubbing the toilets. Those are a little more satisfying once they’re completed, even if I don’t especially like doing them.
But I also took some time today to reflect on the past three
years. How different my life has been. Do I miss Vince any less than I did
three years ago? No, not a chance. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think
of him. But I cry less than I once did. And I smile a little more than I have
been.
Those are good things.
The other day I was talking to someone who knew Vince before
he met me. I hadn’t seen this person since before Vince passed. He offered his
condolences – and I got a little choked up. But this happens less and less
often. I’m sort of grateful about that because who wants to talk to someone whose
eyes leak uncontrollably?
It’s interesting to think about the people I’ve met in the
past three years who didn’t know me as part of “Vince and Jane.” They’ve only
met Jane, who is a little less outgoing than she used to be; a little less “bright”
and happy – and has maybe a tinge of sadness to her persona that is lurking
just a bit below the surface.
Of course, they don’t know that.
On the other hand, I know that I get up each day and I try.
I have more good days than bad. I wear bright colors and sparkles and try to
get my mood to match my exterior. Sometimes I really do feel “sparkly” and those
are the really good days.
I have fun with friends and family. I keep busy and
volunteer my time for good causes. I travel – perhaps not as much as I would
have if Vince were here, but I still try to make plans for fun outings. And, no
matter what, I know that I have a support system of people in my life who care
about me. Who love me. And who loved Vince.
And that has to be good enough.
