Three Years. It Has Been Three Whole Years…

I had a hard time sleeping last night. I kept thinking about the night of April 27^th of 2021 turning into the early morning hours of April 28^th when my world shattered and I lost my Vince. Three years ago. Sometimes it seems like three minutes ago – and sometimes it seems like three lifetimes ago.

 

But this morning, despite my lack of rest, I got up, got dressed – and met my friend Debbie at church. And then we went out to breakfast afterward where we talked, reminisced a little and toasted Vince.

 

I think he would have been honored by both activities – the music and the message of God at church was uplifting and he would have taken more and better photos than my one, timid attempt. He would have been moved by the sermon and would have posted something inspirational on his social media pages.

 

And he would have thoroughly enjoyed the bacon and eggs that were on the menu at First Watch. I enjoyed them because I don’t cook bacon and eggs – so it was a rare treat for me.

 

When I came home I walked Maggie and attempted to get some of the more mundane household chores done – like cleaning out the crisper drawer in the fridge and dusting the baseboards. Yuck. Who thought this was a good idea??

 

Neither chore made me feel like I accomplished much – so I settled for running the dishwasher and scrubbing the toilets. Those are a little more satisfying once they’re completed, even if I don’t especially like doing them.

 

But I also took some time today to reflect on the past three years. How different my life has been. Do I miss Vince any less than I did three years ago? No, not a chance. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. But I cry less than I once did. And I smile a little more than I have been.

 

Those are good things.

 

The other day I was talking to someone who knew Vince before he met me. I hadn’t seen this person since before Vince passed. He offered his condolences – and I got a little choked up. But this happens less and less often. I’m sort of grateful about that because who wants to talk to someone whose eyes leak uncontrollably?

 

It’s interesting to think about the people I’ve met in the past three years who didn’t know me as part of “Vince and Jane.” They’ve only met Jane, who is a little less outgoing than she used to be; a little less “bright” and happy – and has maybe a tinge of sadness to her persona that is lurking just a bit below the surface.

 

Of course, they don’t know that.

 

On the other hand, I know that I get up each day and I try. I have more good days than bad. I wear bright colors and sparkles and try to get my mood to match my exterior. Sometimes I really do feel “sparkly” and those are the really good days.

 

I have fun with friends and family. I keep busy and volunteer my time for good causes. I travel – perhaps not as much as I would have if Vince were here, but I still try to make plans for fun outings. And, no matter what, I know that I have a support system of people in my life who care about me. Who love me. And who loved Vince.

 

And that has to be good enough.