Dear Mother Nature...

Hello, lady?? It’s almost April – what’s with the weather??

Okay, I can understand a day here and there on the cool side because you’re still changing into your spring bloomers, but come on. It’s 37 degrees out there and you’re spitting snowflakes, for crying out loud! Perhaps you forgot to flip your calendar? Again: It's. Almost. April!

All I can say is that you’d better clean up your act, ma’am, or I’m afraid we’ll have no choice but to let you go. With this economy and your one-directional focus, it may not be as easy to get another gig as you might think.

I don’t believe we’re being unreasonable here as we’re certainly not expecting you to roll out the balmy 70 degree temps and full-on bright blue skies. We’re patient. We have to be – we live in the Midwest. We can give you until, oh, let’s say, May 1^st. (And that may well be pushing it given your recent performance.)

I have to admit that my impatience with your choices in temperature and precipitation may be due in part to my jumping the gun and taking my winter coat to the dry cleaners already in preparation of off-season storage. Thus, I have been forced to wear a thin raincoat for the past two days. And wearing a thin raincoat when I’m dodging snowflakes and gale-force winds does nothing for my mood. Neither does uncontrollable shivering.

Trust me, a little sunshine goes a long way toward improving dispositions around here, and I’d like to change mine to “sunny,” okay? (I’m sure Vince would appreciate that as well.)

Not only are my lips and cheeks chapping from the bitter wind, but I have to admit I’m feeling a little bitter myself. I mean, because of your actions, I’m hiding a perfectly good pedicure under heavy woolen socks! And I’d dearly love to ditch the snow boots as they are not in the least stylish or attractive.

Now we’re not completely insensitive, Mother Nature, and we do realize that you have a difficult job to do. You’re responsible for remembering which parts of the world are experiencing summer at the same time other areas of the world are in the middle of winter. Probably because of this, I’m able to enjoy pretty flowers (in photo) that can’t yet be grown in the frozen tundra that is currently Ohio. (And, thank you, Vince, for said lovely spring flowers.)

But, Ms. Nature? Can you please pony up and throw a little warmth our way? I, for one, would truly appreciate it.

Thank you,

Sincerely,

Jane’s Domain

Do NOT Follow Me!

An hour and thirty minutes. Correction: an hour and thirty-TWO minutes. That’s how long it took me to traverse the 17 miles to work today.

First it was raining, and then it was snowing and then we were getting some mixture between rain and snow, which felt a little like someone flinging ice chips at my windshield.

Before venturing out, I carefully listened to the traffic reports and then mapped out my route. Immediately I discarded the idea of traveling 71 South since it was closed halfway to downtown due to high standing water. I didn’t want to (a) sit in traffic, or (b) float my way downtown. Perhaps now I see a reason to own one of those strange-looking amphibious automobiles like we saw at last year’s Auto Show, after all. Wonder if they come equipped with snow tires, too?

I left home approximately 15 minutes earlier than normal, which as soon as I saw the weather conditions, knew wasn’t early enough – but I thought I could maybe get to work somewhere close to my regular start time. I’m either completely delusional or have somehow inexplicably retained my childlike positive outlook on life.

Yeah, I’d go with completely delusional, too.

Nevertheless, I gamely started out. I left an assured clear distance between me and the driver in front of me. I didn’t speed – not that it was possible to speed – unless 5 miles an hour can remotely be considered speeding.

When I reached the ramp I normally take, I saw an interminable line of red brake lights, so I elected to go straight, which meant that I’d be driving South on High Street. This actually wasn’t a bad decision. Sort of.

You ever see that cartoon, Family Circus? When little Billy heads out the door of his home and, instead of walking in a straight line to his destination, takes all sorts of little detours so he can explore everything in his neighborhood and you can tell where he’s been by all the little black dashes in the drawing?

Well, I sort of felt like that this morning. I was on one road, and then diverted to another road when I saw police cruiser lights ahead. Assuming there was an accident, I veered off to avoid sitting in traffic. I took so many lefts and rights on my convoluted route, I can be assured that nobody was following me!

Eventually, I ended up on the Ohio State campus, which was definitely not where I wanted to be. There are way too many pedestrians down there – and they have the right-of-way. I didn’t think it was a good idea to start my day by plowing into a college student.

So I turned left somewhere in the middle of campus and then turned right again. And, finally ended up on a road that heads into downtown.

If someone had been mapping my route with black ink, it would either have resembled little Billy’s convoluted journey – or a big plate of spaghetti.

While I never sat in non-moving traffic, I probably would’ve gotten to my destination about the same time as if I’d just stayed in the long line behind all the brake lights on the freeway.

And the weather now? Nuthin’. There is no snow other than a mere dusting on the flora and fauna. There is not a speck of snow on the roads. It’s not raining. And no one is flinging ice chips at any windows whatsoever.

Are you kidding me?? If it’s gonna take me an hour and thirty-TWO minutes to get to work, I would appreciate it if we had at least SOME blizzard-like conditions out there!

Ah well. I’ll get over it. Allow me to wish you a happy weekend. Stay warm. And may it not take you an hour and thirty-two minutes to get to your destination. (Unless it’s significantly more than 17 miles away!)

Who's Sick of Winter?

So…winter came back with a vengeance. Snow and ice. Freezing temperatures. Y’know – all the stuff to let us know that it is still FEBRUARY, after all, and we shouldn’t expect to be wearing those t-shirts and flip flops again anytime soon.

Nevertheless, on Sunday I believed my own hype about our mid-winter reprieve and ran out the door on my way to church wearing a lightweight corduroy jacket. No hat. No gloves. No wool scarf. Vince, wearing his sensible winter jacket, tapped the weather icon on his handy-dandy iPhone (SO glad he got one…), and turned the screen so I could see that it was a mere 31 degrees. The non-verbal subtext was that wearing a lightweight corduroy jacket was a stupid move.

Okay, okay...I admit it wasn’t perhaps the smartest move on my part. I guess I should have listened to the weather report before venturing outdoors.

While we weren’t bombarded by enough snow to measure it in feet rather than in inches, it was enough to snarl up traffic yesterday. Apparently there is at least one patch of ice on each of the major roadways that snowplows are required to miss so that traffic is forced to slow to a crawl. And that very ice patch on 315 South was the one some car had to slide on and then skid into the car nearest them and cause a wreck. And it certainly wasn’t the only one. I swear there was at least one accident on each of the routes I could possibly take to get downtown so that I had zero possibilities of getting to work in under an hour.

And I had only allowed an extra 10 minutes for foolish drivers. Silly me.

Fortunately, I wasn’t the driver who slid into the ice patch and caused the wreck in the first place. Gotta be grateful for the small things, right?

Today, however, I was able to get to work on time. Not that there weren’t the same problems that we experienced yesterday. But I just lucked out and picked a different route that didn’t have any major traffic snarls. Sometimes it’s a crapshoot and at the very last possible second I veer into another lane to take a different route. And then I cross my fingers and hope that I made the right choice.

Today, thankfully, I made the right choice. I congratulated myself all the way downtown, particularly whenever the traffic report aired. Every time the announcer reported the ever-increasing backup on 315 South, I gleefully pumped my fist in the air. Sad, huh? When this part of the winter rolls around, we take even the most miniscule of victories to lofty levels.

Who knows? Tomorrow I may even be bumping knuckles with myself for having picked out a pair of matching socks.

Sigh. Will spring NEVER arrive?

The White Death

I have to admit that I’m one of those wienies who doesn’t want to be anywhere on the road when it starts snowing. Even a little. That’s hard to admit as I’d prefer to be thought of as fearless. On the other hand, I’m afraid I’ve outed myself as a wienie long ago.

I was listening to WNCI on the radio yesterday morning and the DJs were making fun of the weatherman’s snow predictions. Kept calling it the “White Death.” Ha ha. Only I didn’t think it was all that funny.

It started snowing about 8:30 in the morning and, all told, we had nearly 6”.

So all day I was looking out the windows in my office with growing apprehension. When my boss called (from Florida, no less!) to tell us to close the office at 3PM, I was overjoyed! And I took off outta here like a shot. And then drove, of course, about 25 MPH, annoying the drivers behind me in their big ol’ 4-wheel drive SUVs who scoff at a little snowfall and insist on driving even faster than the speed limit to prove that they’re the fearless ones.

I suppose that’s where my fearfulness originated. I’ve never had a 4-wheel drive SUV and am always worried I’ll slide off the road or something. Again.

Yep, years ago shortly after I got my brand new shiny red Ford Probe GT with the big-ass tires, I was heading to a hair appointment (ha) and it had started snowing – but there was barely a dusting on the road. I grew up in Northeast Ohio and took my driver’s training in the winter, so I figured a little snow wouldn’t hurt anyone. Plus, my new car had (a) front-wheel drive – a good thing, I thought, and (b) those big-ass tires. I thought that meant there would be more tire surface on the road and that would be a good thing, too.

Yeah, not so much.

I started on my journey and took the first exit…and did one of those slow-motion skids. Ended up off the side of the freeway where you usually see dead wildlife. I was so shocked that my front-wheel drive and big-ass tires didn’t come through for me that I just sat there in stunned silence.

Fortunately, some good Samaritans pushed me out and got me back on the road. But I crawled home expecting to slide off the road again at any moment. And, yes, folks – that incident started my fear of driving in snow. Any snow. Plus, I had that car for nearly 11 years, so I spent a LOT of winters slip-sliding away and being fearful.

My new car (well, okay, it’s on its 6th year now, so it can hardly be called “new”…) is much better in the snow. Doesn’t have those big-ass tires on it. But it’s still low to the ground, so it doesn’t do well when there is a lot of snow to clear.

Plus, this one has a handy-dandy gadget on the dash that lights up and tells me my car is not in control – the icy road is. I see the little yellow light and I think, No kidding! I KNOW I’m sliding on the road. Thanks so much for that information, Mazda. (I am, as you might guess, a little sarcastic when talking to Mazda in my head.)

Fortunately, I have been relatively safe on the roads and I haven’t slid off the road or had any fender benders. I say this as I’m crossing myself, throwing salt over my shoulder, giving my black cat away… you know…all the things to try to prevent the gods of Fender-Benders from focusing on me and my Mazda.

So I’m fervently praying for Spring to hurry up and arrive. As it’s only the 21st of January, I suspect I will have a long wait. Sigh.

Ah well. I can spend some of that time deciding my next steps. Either we need to move to a state where the snow never flies…or my next vehicle purchase will be a tank.

If you’re out in this snowy weather, drive carefully and be safe. And stay away from my bumper. Pretty please?!