Is a Card Gift Enough for Valentine's Day?

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and people will be showering loved ones with cards, flowers, boxes of candy shaped like hearts and maybe even jewelry. The lucky ones, that is.

I’m usually one of the lucky ones, but we just came back from a quickie vacation in Florida and I don’t want Vince spending a lot of money on me. Not that I would ever stop the man if he insisted.

But he has given me more sparkly things than I have fingers, necks, earlobes or wrists on which to wear them. True, a girl can never have enough sparkly things – but I’m practicing restraint this year.

This would just look silly.

Yuh huh. I can too practice restraint.  (Okay…sometimes.)

And, truthfully, Vince shows me every day that he loves me by working as hard as he does. And he tells me so when he texts me T-O-Y (thinking of you) during his busy day. And when he surprises me by bringing home a bouquet of flowers on a random Tuesday "just because." So we don't necessarily need that one day out of the year to say "I love you" to each other.  

Rather than going out for an expensive Valentine’s Day dinner where the wait is long or the meal is rushed so the tables can be turned quicker, this year I bought some NY strip steaks and a nice bottle of wine. We’ll have a salad and maybe some roasted redskin potatoes. I might even get ambitious and bake something sweet for dessert.

Maybe.  I sometimes have grandiose ideas that don’t come to fruition.  If I don’t get out the Kitchen-Aid or preheat the oven, Vince could always have an ice cream bar from the freezer.  I could make it all fancy and serve it on a heart-shaped doily.  Yeah, I’m starting to think that’s the way to go.  I’m not sure I want to dirty the Kitchen-Aid today.

And, after all, nothin’ says true love like a dark chocolate almond Häagen-Dazs ice cream bar. 

Plus, I bought him a nice card. I got it a few weeks ago when the Valentine’s card selection was at its peak.

Yesterday I went to the store and the pickins were pretty slim. I couldn’t even find one that wished both a mother and a father Happy Valentine’s Day in one card – so I’m just going to have to call them. My parents will probably appreciate a call even more than a card anyway, so it’s all good.

I did find a generic Valentine’s card that I could have sent, but it wasn’t very impressive. And when I turned the card over and saw that it was $4.99, I was horrified. I mean, I’ll pay $4.99 for a nice card, but c’mon. A red heart on the front and the inside reads: “Happy Valentine’s Day!”?  Sheesh. That’s worth maybe a buck and a quarter – tops.  That Hallmark card writer must’ve lost his creative mojo that day. Either that, or he had recently broken up with someone and wasn’t feeling the love just then.

But if the price of greeting cards goes up much higher, I may start taking after Vince’s Aunt Betty.  When we saw her in Florida earlier this week, she told us a story about taking her granddaughter shopping once upon a time.  While they were at the store, Aunt Betty started perusing the birthday cards.  An elderly lady was standing next to Aunt Betty also looking through the rack of cards. 

Finally, Aunt Betty picks one out and calls her granddaughter over to her.  She says, “Here – read this!”  Her granddaughter reads the card and compliments Aunt Betty on the lovely choice and the perfect sentiment.  And then Aunt Betty plucked the card out of her granddaughter’s hand and put it back in the rack.  She said, “There – that was your birthday card!” And they both laughed.

But the lady standing next to Aunt Betty had a look of utter astonishment on her face, which only made Aunt Betty and her granddaughter laugh harder. 

But my guess is that the lady probably thought to herself, What a great idea! I wish I had thought of that myself.

Of course, the flaw in Aunt Betty’s plan is that we don’t always have our loved ones at the store with us while we’re shopping for whatever occasion it is that requires a greeting card.

I once knew someone who opened the birthday card I bought him, read it quickly, said “thanks” and then tossed it immediately in the trash.  Talk about wearing a look of utter astonishment.  I mean, you’d think he could’ve at least waited to throw the thing out until after I’d left.  But I made it a point to never again buy that person a card. I could have just as easily taken the cash and thrown it directly into the garbage can. No thought required.  

Conversely, I’m one of those people who treasures cards that I receive.  To me, it means that someone has taken the time to select a card and either mail it to me – or has actually delivered it in person.  You can’t beat that.

I still have cards from when I was a kid.  And, okay, so I haven’t saved every single card I was ever given – by this age, I’d need a separate storage facility to store them all in. But I do have a great many of them and when I see them, I’m reminded of that time in my life or the person who cared enough to send the very best.  (Oops. Another Hallmark reference. And, no, I don’t have stock in the company.)

Some people think occasions like Valentine’s Day are simply a way for greeting card companies, florists, chocolatiers and jewelers to get people to part with their hard-earned cash.  And there may be some truth to that statement given the amount of advertising they do.  But the holiday has been around for a bunch of centuries and who are we to disparage it? 

I like it when someone tells me they care – and it doesn’t just have to be my Vince, either. I cherished the Valentine’s Day cards I received in the mail from my Nanna when I was younger. She’s gone now – and I miss hearing from her. I’d even be okay if we could go shopping together and she showed me the perfect card she selected just for me – and then put it back in the rack!

So Happy Valentine’s Day, Aunt Betty. Thanks for the story. And this, by the way, is your card! 

And Happy Valentine’s Day to you all. I hope you have a sweet day. And even if you don’t have anyone special to celebrate it with, know that there are lots of people in your life who love and care about you.

Heck, take the time and do something nice for yourself. After all, you’re worth it. It could be sparkly. It could be some pretty flowers.  

Or maybe just have one of those dark chocolate almond Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars. No heart-shaped doily required.

Pssst! Did you Know That Sunday is Mother’s Day?

Unless you’ve spent the last few weeks  climbing a really big mountain in some remote part of the world with no WiFi access whatsoever, you’re well aware that Sunday is Mother’s Day.

So let’s assume you’ve been on solid ground with plenty of media access. That means you’ve been bombarded lately with ads telling you that to be a good child, you have to shower Mom with all manner of gifts – flowers, chocolates, jewels. I even heard an ad today that a laser hair removal gift certificate would make a great gift for mom.

Huh? 

Yeahhhh, I’d love to see the perplexed expression on that mom’s face as she opened the card and said: “This is for…what?  Are you trying to tell me I have excessive facial hair, sonny?”

In my opinion, that would be an epic FAIL, but I suppose there are all sorts of people out there.  And perhaps there is some mother somewhere just itching to have her underarm hair permanently removed.  I don’t know…

Nevertheless, I would be willing to bet that mothers everywhere simply want their children to express their love and show a little gratitude on Mother’s Day. Maybe throw in a little breakfast in bed. This would be a great gift – as long as the kid makes sure to clean up the mess in the kitchen afterwards so mom doesn’t have to.

Motherhood is not an easy job. Yeah, and that’s the understatement of the year.

Just ask my mom.  Well, no…on second thought…don’t.  I don’t think I’d want her to share with you any stories about my bratty teenage years.  Not that I was a colossal brat – but, like most teenagers, I had my less-than-stellar moments.

Yet Mom never brings up any of my bad behaviors. Frankly, at this point, I don’t think she can remember my teenage years. And I’m okay with that.

Moms somehow have the uncanny ability to love their children unconditionally.  She may not always love the behavior, but she always loves the child.  No matter how old they are or how bad the behavior.

That ability is the very reason your mom deserves to be celebrated.

As for me, well, mostly I’m grateful that my mom is here with us and we can celebrate together. I don’t take a single moment of time with her for granted.

So Vince and I will drive to Alliance on Sunday. We’ll bring some food, a sweet treat for dessert and probably some flowers. We have a little gift for her. And, while she’ll be grateful for all of those things, I know that mostly she’ll appreciate that we took the time out of our weekend to come see her.

If I’ve learned anything through the years it is this: cherish your mom while she’s here. As I’ve heard from so many people whose mothers are no longer alive, they would give anything to have one more conversation with her; one more chance to hug her and tell her how much she is loved.

To those people who can no longer celebrate Mother's Day with their moms, my heart goes out to you. I hope you feel comforted with the knowledge that your mom knows how much you love and miss her.

And to those who still have their moms, please don’t squander those opportunities.  If you can celebrate in person with your mom, do it. If she’s too far away for a visit, call her. 

Just…well…just don’t buy her a gift certificate for laser hair removal. I still think it’s an epic FAIL.

We love you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day!

Say it Ain't So!

Last week I wrote a blog about love and marriage and the ending of some of those marriages. It was sort of depressing for a day or two as I realized how fragile relationships can sometimes be.

Take J.Lo, for instance. I just read the not-surprising news that her marriage of 7 years to Marc Anthony is over. Probably because he hasn’t had a major hit since “I Need to Know” came out in’99. She is, after all, a big-time important judge on American Idol and has veto rights. Maybe she told him, “You’re Fired!” (Oh wait, I’m mixing up reality shows…)

I don’t think celebrity marriages are shining examples to follow, anyway. I mean, would anyone want to place a bet on how long the Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo marriage will last? That’s cynical, I know, but Nick’s track record so far is not impressive. But perhaps it’ll last longer than his marriage to Jessica Simpson, which was celebrated ad nauseam in Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. The show, of course, ended before their 3-year marriage did. Not too inspiring, was it?

Oh well. Their marriage may not have lasted, but I suppose they did increase their fame and fortune. Especially Jessica – she has since become a little mogul with her shoe and handbag line. Plus, she’s engaged again, too.

It’s all about priorities, I guess.

Sure, some Hollywood marriages stood the test of time. Like, um…hmmm. Can’t think of anyone righ…oh, wait – I’ve got one! Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. They were married a LONG time and the marriage only ended because Paul passed away in 2008. And, no, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional on his part to escape his marriage vows.

There surely are others, but I’m not in the mood to do more Google research right now. Yes, I’m bein’ lazy.

But for us everyday sort of folk, I think we should take a look at some of our own personal examples. My aunt and uncle, for instance, just celebrated their 60^th wedding anniversary. Sadly, I don’t believe my aunt recognized the milestone as she is in a facility suffering from Alzheimer’s. But it’s inspiring to realize that my uncle goes to that nursing home day after day to visit his wife of 60 years, even though she can’t communicate with him and may not even recognize him any longer. We should all have partners who will perform this loving act should we find ourselves incapacitated in our later years.

My own parents are in their 59^th year of wedded bliss. And, please. I’m not a total wacko…I DO realize that every single moment of those 59 years could not have been utterly blissful. That’d be pretty far-fetched given that they have four children – so probably life was a little less blissful during the years we freeloaders were hangin’ around.

Except for me. I was an angel so they l-o-v-e-d raising me. I’m sure of it. Just ask them. (Okay, maybe you shouldn’t.) But, hey, it IS my blog and I can write what I want. There are no fact-checkers here.

No but seriously. My own marriage hasn’t even reached the two year mark – so I realize that I’m no expert on the subject. Probably I’m an expert on failed relationships, though. So I’m pretty good at comparing what didn’t work before with what is working great now. For one thing, my relationship with Vince has been predominantly easy. I couldn’t say that about one single former relationship I had. Oh sure, they’d start off that way. Romance is wonderful when you think every little quirky thing your partner does is adorable. Years – or, heck, sometimes only months – later, that quirk could drive a person bonkers. And I’m sure I’m not completely innocent in the quirk department, either. Aw heck, let’s just spell it out. Can you say PMS? (Yeah, I know. We don't literally have to spell it out!)

I’ve heard that from other couples who have long-lasting, stable relationships that “easy” describes their relationships, too. They say that their lives are not filled with strife or drama. Maybe that’s key. I mean, it’s not to say that there are absolutely no disagreements in these long-term relationships, but that any disagreements are brought out into the open and are discussed and ultimately resolved.

On the other hand, I suppose some people thrive on drama and strife. Perhaps their marriages are like wild rollercoaster rides and they wouldn’t trade for our more boring, placid lifestyles for anything. But I’m afraid I’d probably develop motion sickness. And upchucking is not a pastime I partake in willingly.

Fortunately, as we get older and wiser (hopefully), we learn who we are – and what our life is all about. Some people may have gotten married as young adults only to discover they’d made a mistake. Maybe they even tried again at another point – and when that didn’t work out, learned that they were probably better off single. In this case, I say kudos to the person who knows himself so well. Besides, “single” is not a dirty word!

However, I also know quite a few engaged couples and newly married couples and couples anticipating their imminent nuptials – and I have hope for all of them. I pray that they’ve met their life partner who makes life together “easy.” And I hope we all are able to look back on those radiant smiles in the photos from our wedding days – and we always remember the love we have for our partners and the reason we said “I do” back then.

Because there are enough J.Lo and Marc Anthony stories out there.

Love is Either a Many-Splendored Thing – or it Stinks

Last night I was looking at Facebook and read a post by someone announcing that she and her husband of barely three years were separating. Wow. People really post such personal information like that on Facebook?

Yeah, I suppose they do. Sometimes it’s like riding a relationship roller coaster as I watch friends change their status from “In a Relationship” to “It’s Complicated” and back again. Sometimes they get back with the same person and other times they start dating someone totally new. Teenagers I can understand – but people in their 40s and 50s? I almost feel like asking for a score card so I can keep track.

But even if I had a score card, I would never risk commenting on those kinds of posts. I don’t want to congratulate someone on getting back with their significant other only to find out they’re dating someone new. That would be a big oops.

But it seems like there are a whole lot of unhappy people out there. On the radio this morning, I listened to a DJ giving tips on how to keep romance alive in a relationship while the other DJ, who has apparently been married for a zillion years and finds absolutely zero romance in his marriage, cynically recommended divorce as a way of rekindling romance…with someone new. And I don’t think he was really joking.

Sheesh. Makes you wonder about the sanctity of marriage sometimes.

I also read a blog this morning by a housewife-type person who shall remain nameless who was having a “bad relationship moment” with her husband and needed to vent. Or maybe rant. Either way, it must have been a big problem because I vaguely recall seeing the word “poison” in her blog. I suspect that it was written in jest and that she wasn’t really plotting his demise. Or at least I hope she wasn’t. Besides, it’d be hard to refute the whole premeditation thing when the evidence is clearly out there in cyberspace. But just in case, I think I’ll wipe my memory banks clean. That way, I can’t be called on to testify for the prosecution.

And then the other day I had a conversation with an old friend who is going through a painful divorce. When I asked him how it was going, he responded, “You don’t even want to know.” What I do know is that it hasn’t yet been finalized despite nearly two years of separation and court negotiations because it has gotten ugly and neither side can come to terms.

That just makes me sad because I clearly remember his wedding day and the happy years that followed. What went wrong? It’s hard to say. I only know that my friend deserves to be loved and I’d like to see him move on with his life.

But sometimes “ugly” doesn’t even begin to describe marital discord. This morning (after the “Keeping Romance Alive” segment), I listened in horror to a news report about a woman in California who drugged her estranged husband and cut off his, well, his private part. And then put it in the garbage disposal and flipped the switch.

How sick is that?

Obviously, I don’t know any further details. Like, what prompted this woman to do such a heinous thing to another person, let alone someone she promised to love and cherish all the days of her life? Maybe there was mental illness or abuse involved, I don’t know. But I also don’t know how people can be so cruel to each other.

I might have mentioned before that I’m one of those overly sensitive types – so all these stories bother me. A lot.

Probably I should just focus on my own marriage. It’s good. We’re both happy. We’re looking forward to celebrating our second wedding anniversary in September – and we’re both surprised by how easy life together is.

I’m especially surprised. No, not because he sometimes leaves his dirty socks on the floor and I haven't gone into a homicidal rage about it. I have, after all, been known to leave shoes lying around on the floor from time to time. (Shocking, I know…)

No, it’s mostly because I was a single woman for a LONG time. Years. Decades, even. And that whole “set in my ways” theory definitely applies. But the adjustment to living with Vince was pretty easy. I figure it’s just because I finally met the right man – and it’s so worth it.

Even if I do have to pick up his dirty socks off the floor sometimes.

Besides, he makes me breakfast every morning and makes sure I take my vitamins. He gives me neck rubs when I have a headache. And he tells me he loves me every single day – both by his words and by his actions. So how could I not love a guy like that? Dirty socks on the floor notwithstanding.

Maybe I should tell him how much he means to me.

Or maybe I just did?

Mother's Day 2011

I wanted to post a Mother’s Day blog on the day we actually celebrate mothers, but, well, I was a little busy spending time with my own mom (and dad). And that is as it should be, I suppose. Not that mom wouldn’t have appreciated an entire blog devoted to her, but I’m sure she preferred spending time with us. I imagine that watching the back of my head as I sit at the computer and compose a blog would be rather like watching paint dry.

Actually, part of that last statement is not true. No, not the part about watching paint dry – sadly, that part is true. But the part about mom appreciating a blog devoted to her. In truth, my mom is not one for excessive adulation and if she knew I was dedicating a blog to her, it would make her uncomfortable. That’s just the way she is.

Mom would tell you it’s the age in which she grew up. This was during the Depression, and people were just trying to survive. They didn’t waste much time patting themselves on the back (or expecting someone else to do it). You simply did what was expected of you without any thought to the “reward” you would get afterwards. Frequently, there wasn’t any – unless you consider personal satisfaction as a reward.

I kind of like that. It’s nice to be able to motivate yourself rather than expecting someone else to make the reward such that you grudgingly perform the task.

I can remember when I was a kid and, on the rare occasion we did our chores without being reminded, we’d run to mom and tell her about our accomplishment. Her response? “So what do you want – a medal?”

Clearly, that whole pat on the back thing wasn’t a big part of our household.

Not that mom wasn’t proud of us and our accomplishments. But she may have feared we’d get swelled heads if we were praised all the time for doing the right thing; things that we should do as a matter of course as honest, good, intelligent, hardworking people.

On Sunday, Vince asked my mom what some of her favorite memories of motherhood have been. I think he expected to hear the faint strains of violins in the background as mom recalled all the sappy, sentimental times – like when her babies were first placed in her arms, or perhaps when her children graduated from college or even when they walked down the aisle. And he was all prepared to be touched by her response.

And then mom said, “When my children left home.”

You could almost hear the violins screech to a stop mid-note. And the expression on Vince’s face was priceless.

But mom’s comment cracked me up. Sure, there was probably some element of relief whenever another one of her chicks flew the nest because – let’s face it – raising four kids who were within six years of age of each other couldn’t have been a piece of cake. Particularly having to endure us all as teenagers.

But having her children leave the home they grew up in meant that my parents had done their job and had raised children to stand on their own and make their own way. To my parents, that was one of their greatest accomplishments.

Now I’m sure my mom and dad had sappy, sentimental moments when their babies were first placed in their arms and had prideful moments when they watched their children graduate from college and flashed back to memories of their little boys and girls while watching their adult sons and daughters walk down the aisle. (In my case, I’m guessing there were feelings of relief that I finally decided to walk down the aisle. No, I kid. Sort of.)

In our family, I tend to be the sappy, sentimental one – so it’s probably a good thing Mom isn’t just like me. Too much sap and sentiment isn’t always a good thing. But I noticed that mom hugs me extra hard when she sees me these days.

As for me, I cherish every moment I’m able to spend with my parents – even if it’s merely standing in the kitchen together peeling carrots for dinner. And I look forward to our weekly phone calls.

As more and more of my contemporaries lose their parents and no longer have them around to wish them a Happy Mother’s (or Father’s) Day, I know that it’s truly a gift that my parents are still here with us.

{Sappy and Sentimental Alert!}

So, Mom, I just want to tell you that I love you very much. I know we don’t really say that a lot in our family, but I know you love me. And I just want you to know how I feel, too.

I thank you for all you’ve done for me throughout my life.

Thank you for being there whenever I’ve needed you – from the Band-Aids you applied to my skinned knees to the comfort you gave me at the loss of a job.

Thank you for listening to me when I wanted to tell you something funny or sad or interesting or outrageous. Thank you for laughing and commiserating and paying attention and being outraged (all at the appropriate times, too.).

Thank you for instilling in me the values that enabled me to grow into a (relatively) honest, good, intelligent, and hardworking person.

And thank you for embracing and welcoming my husband into our family.

Happy Mother’s Day. Let’s do this again next year. Okay?

Jane Tries to Explain the Whole Mars Versus Venus Thing

The other day a friend started a conversation with me by stating, “You probably won’t understand this because you have Vince…” and then went on to tell me about her relationship problems with her man.

I barely heard the rest of her message because I was flabbergasted. (Flabbergasted: a really good word to describe those “Hunh?!” moments in life. I don’t think we use it enough.)

Anyway, I was so flabbergasted because I’d spent years – decades even – in relationships that weren’t right for me. I spent years – decades even – worrying about what my boyfriend du jour was thinking and analyzing every conversation and spending far too much time determining the nuances of a simple, “Sorry, I’ve been busy” comment.

Such a comment would launch a flurry of guesses about the meaning. I’d wonder, Did I talk too much the last time we were together? I probably did and didn’t spend enough time asking his opinion about stuff. Probably I should have asked him to explain the workings of the internal combustion engine to me just one more time…

Or I’d think, Is he upset with me because I burned the meatloaf the last time he came over for dinner and he doesn’t really like lima beans even though he said he did and…

Okay, the last thought wasn’t true. I don’t particularly care for lima beans myself and can positively state that I have never prepared them for anyone else.

But, still – you get my point. Sometimes the, “Sorry, I’ve been busy” comment is just that – a statement of fact. And if I’d stopped trying to overanalyze things I would have realized that he had, in fact, been working six days a week and was sometimes even working on the seventh day as well.

However, I have learned something in recent years from books like “He’s Just Not That Into You” (by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo). And that is: if a man really wanted to spend time with a woman he would make the time – no matter how busy he is.

Fortunately, I’ve also learned that lesson from Vince. Not only by what he says – but by how he acts. He wants to spend time with me, even when I’m not the most fun person to be around. He loves me and I know without a doubt that he does. I could give you a million reasons, but I don’t want to embarrass the man. Plus, I don’t want the cynics among you to (a) assure me that it won’t last, or (b) do that exaggerated eye roll thing or (c) make the finger-down-the-throat gagging motion.

I’ve lived long enough that I’m plenty cynical. But I’m also willing to take the gift of love I’ve been given with Vince and be grateful for it.

One of the best things about my relationship with Vince is that we talk. We’re talkin’ in the mornin’, we’re talking in the evenin’, we’re talkin’ all the live long day! We talk about mundane things like the state of our vegetable bin and the pros and cons of shopping at Costco versus Kroger (“Do we really need 10 lbs of carrots? I mean, really?!”)

But we also talk about thoughts and feelings. We talk when we’re happy and when we’re being silly as well as when we’re angry or upset. We don’t let things fester. I suppose we could be utterly annoying to those couples who don’t spend a lot of time talking. But, hey, it works for us! And if it doesn’t, well, we’ll probably talk about it and find out why.

We also resolve issues and don’t just talk about them ad nauseam without ever reaching a conclusion. So I don’t expect in five years to blow up over the fact that he didn’t refill the toilet paper holder for the 9,650th time. We try to pay attention to the things that bother one another. And we both know there’s no maid on the premises who will magically refill the toilet paper holder – so it is both our responsibilities.

So while it’s true that we haven’t even hit the one-year anniversary mark yet and I am hardly an expert on relationships, I do know that my relationship with Vince is different than it was with any previous boyfriend du jour. I know that things are just – I don’t know quite how to explain it – but they’re easier. If he were to say to me, “Sorry, I’ve been busy” I would know that he is merely stating a fact. And I wouldn’t try to overanalyze it.

Plus, Vince knows I don’t like lima beans…and he would never expect me to prepare them for him. No wonder I love the guy!