Say it Ain't So!

Last week I wrote a blog about love and marriage and the ending of some of those marriages. It was sort of depressing for a day or two as I realized how fragile relationships can sometimes be.

Take J.Lo, for instance. I just read the not-surprising news that her marriage of 7 years to Marc Anthony is over. Probably because he hasn’t had a major hit since “I Need to Know” came out in’99. She is, after all, a big-time important judge on American Idol and has veto rights. Maybe she told him, “You’re Fired!” (Oh wait, I’m mixing up reality shows…)

I don’t think celebrity marriages are shining examples to follow, anyway. I mean, would anyone want to place a bet on how long the Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo marriage will last? That’s cynical, I know, but Nick’s track record so far is not impressive. But perhaps it’ll last longer than his marriage to Jessica Simpson, which was celebrated ad nauseam in Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. The show, of course, ended before their 3-year marriage did. Not too inspiring, was it?

Oh well. Their marriage may not have lasted, but I suppose they did increase their fame and fortune. Especially Jessica – she has since become a little mogul with her shoe and handbag line. Plus, she’s engaged again, too.

It’s all about priorities, I guess.

Sure, some Hollywood marriages stood the test of time. Like, um…hmmm. Can’t think of anyone righ…oh, wait – I’ve got one! Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. They were married a LONG time and the marriage only ended because Paul passed away in 2008. And, no, I’m sure it wasn’t intentional on his part to escape his marriage vows.

There surely are others, but I’m not in the mood to do more Google research right now. Yes, I’m bein’ lazy.

But for us everyday sort of folk, I think we should take a look at some of our own personal examples. My aunt and uncle, for instance, just celebrated their 60^th wedding anniversary. Sadly, I don’t believe my aunt recognized the milestone as she is in a facility suffering from Alzheimer’s. But it’s inspiring to realize that my uncle goes to that nursing home day after day to visit his wife of 60 years, even though she can’t communicate with him and may not even recognize him any longer. We should all have partners who will perform this loving act should we find ourselves incapacitated in our later years.

My own parents are in their 59^th year of wedded bliss. And, please. I’m not a total wacko…I DO realize that every single moment of those 59 years could not have been utterly blissful. That’d be pretty far-fetched given that they have four children – so probably life was a little less blissful during the years we freeloaders were hangin’ around.

Except for me. I was an angel so they l-o-v-e-d raising me. I’m sure of it. Just ask them. (Okay, maybe you shouldn’t.) But, hey, it IS my blog and I can write what I want. There are no fact-checkers here.

No but seriously. My own marriage hasn’t even reached the two year mark – so I realize that I’m no expert on the subject. Probably I’m an expert on failed relationships, though. So I’m pretty good at comparing what didn’t work before with what is working great now. For one thing, my relationship with Vince has been predominantly easy. I couldn’t say that about one single former relationship I had. Oh sure, they’d start off that way. Romance is wonderful when you think every little quirky thing your partner does is adorable. Years – or, heck, sometimes only months – later, that quirk could drive a person bonkers. And I’m sure I’m not completely innocent in the quirk department, either. Aw heck, let’s just spell it out. Can you say PMS? (Yeah, I know. We don't literally have to spell it out!)

I’ve heard that from other couples who have long-lasting, stable relationships that “easy” describes their relationships, too. They say that their lives are not filled with strife or drama. Maybe that’s key. I mean, it’s not to say that there are absolutely no disagreements in these long-term relationships, but that any disagreements are brought out into the open and are discussed and ultimately resolved.

On the other hand, I suppose some people thrive on drama and strife. Perhaps their marriages are like wild rollercoaster rides and they wouldn’t trade for our more boring, placid lifestyles for anything. But I’m afraid I’d probably develop motion sickness. And upchucking is not a pastime I partake in willingly.

Fortunately, as we get older and wiser (hopefully), we learn who we are – and what our life is all about. Some people may have gotten married as young adults only to discover they’d made a mistake. Maybe they even tried again at another point – and when that didn’t work out, learned that they were probably better off single. In this case, I say kudos to the person who knows himself so well. Besides, “single” is not a dirty word!

However, I also know quite a few engaged couples and newly married couples and couples anticipating their imminent nuptials – and I have hope for all of them. I pray that they’ve met their life partner who makes life together “easy.” And I hope we all are able to look back on those radiant smiles in the photos from our wedding days – and we always remember the love we have for our partners and the reason we said “I do” back then.

Because there are enough J.Lo and Marc Anthony stories out there.

Love is Either a Many-Splendored Thing – or it Stinks

Last night I was looking at Facebook and read a post by someone announcing that she and her husband of barely three years were separating. Wow. People really post such personal information like that on Facebook?

Yeah, I suppose they do. Sometimes it’s like riding a relationship roller coaster as I watch friends change their status from “In a Relationship” to “It’s Complicated” and back again. Sometimes they get back with the same person and other times they start dating someone totally new. Teenagers I can understand – but people in their 40s and 50s? I almost feel like asking for a score card so I can keep track.

But even if I had a score card, I would never risk commenting on those kinds of posts. I don’t want to congratulate someone on getting back with their significant other only to find out they’re dating someone new. That would be a big oops.

But it seems like there are a whole lot of unhappy people out there. On the radio this morning, I listened to a DJ giving tips on how to keep romance alive in a relationship while the other DJ, who has apparently been married for a zillion years and finds absolutely zero romance in his marriage, cynically recommended divorce as a way of rekindling romance…with someone new. And I don’t think he was really joking.

Sheesh. Makes you wonder about the sanctity of marriage sometimes.

I also read a blog this morning by a housewife-type person who shall remain nameless who was having a “bad relationship moment” with her husband and needed to vent. Or maybe rant. Either way, it must have been a big problem because I vaguely recall seeing the word “poison” in her blog. I suspect that it was written in jest and that she wasn’t really plotting his demise. Or at least I hope she wasn’t. Besides, it’d be hard to refute the whole premeditation thing when the evidence is clearly out there in cyberspace. But just in case, I think I’ll wipe my memory banks clean. That way, I can’t be called on to testify for the prosecution.

And then the other day I had a conversation with an old friend who is going through a painful divorce. When I asked him how it was going, he responded, “You don’t even want to know.” What I do know is that it hasn’t yet been finalized despite nearly two years of separation and court negotiations because it has gotten ugly and neither side can come to terms.

That just makes me sad because I clearly remember his wedding day and the happy years that followed. What went wrong? It’s hard to say. I only know that my friend deserves to be loved and I’d like to see him move on with his life.

But sometimes “ugly” doesn’t even begin to describe marital discord. This morning (after the “Keeping Romance Alive” segment), I listened in horror to a news report about a woman in California who drugged her estranged husband and cut off his, well, his private part. And then put it in the garbage disposal and flipped the switch.

How sick is that?

Obviously, I don’t know any further details. Like, what prompted this woman to do such a heinous thing to another person, let alone someone she promised to love and cherish all the days of her life? Maybe there was mental illness or abuse involved, I don’t know. But I also don’t know how people can be so cruel to each other.

I might have mentioned before that I’m one of those overly sensitive types – so all these stories bother me. A lot.

Probably I should just focus on my own marriage. It’s good. We’re both happy. We’re looking forward to celebrating our second wedding anniversary in September – and we’re both surprised by how easy life together is.

I’m especially surprised. No, not because he sometimes leaves his dirty socks on the floor and I haven't gone into a homicidal rage about it. I have, after all, been known to leave shoes lying around on the floor from time to time. (Shocking, I know…)

No, it’s mostly because I was a single woman for a LONG time. Years. Decades, even. And that whole “set in my ways” theory definitely applies. But the adjustment to living with Vince was pretty easy. I figure it’s just because I finally met the right man – and it’s so worth it.

Even if I do have to pick up his dirty socks off the floor sometimes.

Besides, he makes me breakfast every morning and makes sure I take my vitamins. He gives me neck rubs when I have a headache. And he tells me he loves me every single day – both by his words and by his actions. So how could I not love a guy like that? Dirty socks on the floor notwithstanding.

Maybe I should tell him how much he means to me.

Or maybe I just did?