A Walking Comedy of Errors

The other evening I was happily tapping away at the computer keys working on a blog when Maggie Minx started whining to go on her umpteenth walk of the day.

 

I have had people tell me the dog has me completely snookered and she doesn’t need to go out that often – but I really don’t want to find any “surprises” on the floor. And she really does go every time I walk her.

 

My friend Suzy tells me that if we humans sat on the toilet every two hours, we could probably “go,” too – even if we didn’t really have to go when we first sat down.

 

Maybe that’s true. But I’m still erring on the side of caution. And, besides, all this walking has to be doing something good for me. Doesn’t it?

 

So I have this walking-in-the-dead-of-winter-thing down pat. Or so I thought.

 

If you read one of my previous blogs, you know that I locked us out of the apartment early in the morning on one of those 18 degree days. So, since that time, I make sure I put the bungee cord key holder over my wrist. Every time.

 

I have my ear muffs and scarf hung up on this cute wall hook rack along with Maggie’s leash, so I’m always prepared for the cold weather.

 

I check my Apple watch to see what the outside temperature is, which will determine the jacket or coat I wear. I don’t want to freeze in my lightweight winter jacket when it’s in the single digits and I don’t want to sweat in my heavy winter coat if it’s a balmy 40 degrees.

 

Currently, I have two pairs of boots in the tray by the entryway – one for when there is no ice and the other with the little spikey things on the bottom that keep me from slipping on the ice.

 

I have a glass container that holds a flashlight for early morning or later evening walks so I can see to pick up Maggie’s, uh, deposits as I don’t want to accidentally step into anything. In that container is also a roll of doggie bags so I always have one in my pocket.

 

You’re either rolling your eyes at my “over-preparedness” – or thinking I’ve got it all together, aren’t you?

 

Yeah, not so much.

 

When Maggie’s whining turned into a sharp bark, I finally got up from my computer with a heavy sigh and I stomped across the room to the front hallway.

 

(I didn’t say I LOVED going on umpteen walks a day.)

 

I managed to grab my Apple watch from its charger (so I’d get credit for all those steps) and saw it was 25 degrees out. Heavy winter coat? That’d be a firm “yes!”

 

I put on my regular boots without the spikes because it had been warmer and the sidewalks were mostly clear. (“Mostly” being the operative word.)

 

The bungee key cord went around my wrist, the doggie bag and flashlight went in my pockets, I clipped the leash onto Maggie’s vest and out the door we went.

 

The first thing I noticed was that I couldn’t see very well. Oops. Forgot to take off my computer glasses and put on my regular glasses before stomping toward the front door. But, okay. I just needed to be careful since computer glasses are really good for working on the computer a foot away from my face, but not so good for blind-as-a-bat me to see long distances.

 

The next thing I noticed was that even though a lot of the snow and ice had melted, what was left was a little slick. Oops. Should’ve worn my spikey boots to be completely safe.

 

Vince and my #1 rule when walking the dog? Do. Not. Fall! We knew we didn’t want to risk broken bones at our advanced age. And now, since it’s just me, who would walk Maggie Minx were I to end up sporting a cast?

 

We walked past the street lights toward the darker part of the neighborhood when I suddenly smelled skunk. Uh oh. I’ve noticed a skunk waddling across the yards a couple of times in the last month and I’m hyper-vigilant because I do NOT want to deal with de-skunking either me or the dog. I don’t know the process and I don’t have the proper equipment – so I’m darn sure not going to be caught in any potential spray.

 

No black and white striped critter was in the visible vicinity – but, remember, I couldn’t see very well and it was dark out with lots of remnants of snow. How would I have seen a skunk? Yet we fortunately walked on unscathed.

 

We quickly crossed the street and started walking in the opposite direction away from the skunk smell. Whew. But it suddenly got way colder and way windier. My eyes started watering and I realized I’d forgotten my ear muffs.

 

I used to scoff when my mother insisted I wear a hat in the winter as I didn’t want it to mess up my hair. I still don’t like the static electricity situation a hat causes, so I’ve compromised with ear muffs. And I have noticed how much warmer I am when my ears are not left unprotected against the elements.

 

So I was feeling frozen and completely put out by this entire fiasco. By this point, I felt like I should just go home and start over, but I knew Maggie would feel gypped and we’d have to add yet another walk to the schedule.

 

So we continued on. One moment I was walking along at a brisk pace – and the next moment? Well, I was sliding on a patch of ice. My heart was slamming in my chest and I was wondering which broken bone would do the least amount of damage.

 

Luckily, Maggie was straining against the leash to get to a piece of cardboard that was blowing in the wind and, I swear, that 10-pound dog slid me across the ice and kept me upright until I could regain my footing.

 

It probably wasn’t a pretty sight and it certainly wasn’t graceful – but I didn’t care. I Did. Not. Fall. Yay me.

 

By this point, I realized I didn’t want to tempt the gods of fate any longer, so I started heading for the relative safety of home.

 

But just then Maggie decided it was a good time to let me use the poo bag in my pocket. She usually does her thing nearer the sidewalk, only this time she walked right up near a neighbor’s kitchen window and squatted. A neighbor I have not yet met.

 

So there I am, fumbling to simultaneously remove my glove, open the bag and turn on the flashlight. Maggie, who was now finished and exploring new areas, runs into some metal bell ornament in the neighbor’s yard. I’m horrified at the noise it’s making and I’m trying to scoop up her deposit and keep hold of the leash and the flashlight.

 

Just then the front door opened because the neighbor wanted to know who was causing such a ruckus and was lurking in her front yard with a flashlight.

 

Ack! I apologized profusely and said we were on our way and we turned and got the heck outta Dodge.

 

But once I returned home, I realized I’d lost one of my hot pink gloves. Could this evening get any worse?

 

So I brought Maggie inside and unclipped her – and then went back out in search of my glove.

 

Sure enough, there it was – in Neighbor X’s front yard. Fortunately, she must have decided we were harmless and her lights were out. Either that – or she was sitting in wait in the dark, phone in hand poised over 9-1-1 in case the miscreant and her yappy little dog returned.

 

But I didn’t hang around long enough to find out. I grabbed the glove, hustled back home and vowed that it was Maggie’s final walk of the night.

 

And I thought tomorrow is another day. Let’s hope it’s not nearly as “exciting.”

Another Edition of This ‘n’ That

It has been an interesting couple of weeks in Jane’s Domain. It all started with me slipping and falling on the ice while walking Maggie Minx one morning.

 

It was a balmy 39 degrees outside and much of the snow and ice had melted the previous day, but there were still patches of ice on the sidewalk.  And despite my careful sidestepping, I still managed to find that one small patch that sent me sprawling on the ground.

 

Immediately I did the furtive look-see to see who might’ve seen me take the tumble. Once I determined that there were no obvious observers (although who knows who was looking out their kitchen window at that precise moment), I began an inventory of my bones. Nothing seemed to be out of whack and no bones were protruding where they shouldn’t be, so I started the comical process of getting back up on my feet.

 

It was only then that I realized that I still had a hold of Maggie’s leash, which is a major accomplishment. Because if I had let go, Maggie would have taken off for points unknown with her leash bouncing merrily along behind her. 

 

But the fact that I hadn’t let go of Maggie’s leash wasn’t the biggest accomplishment that morning. No, what was even more impressive was that I still had a firm hold of her previously collected doggie poo bag.

 

Wow. Extra points for that little victory.

 

Because let me just say that if that bag had gone flying and anything inside it had come anywhere remotely near me, you would not be reading this right now. It would have been too disgusting for words and I would probably still be in the shower two weeks later.

 

So other than a sore left hand and arm, nothing was bruised or sprained or broken – and I felt exceedingly grateful. And I credit my heavy parka-like winter coat that evidently cushioned my fall.

 

By the way, I was not wearing my winter boots with the little spikes on them because – again – it had been above freezing and I figured I would be okay in just regular ol’ snow boots.

 

Still livin’ and learnin’, I guess.

 

The next morning, then, I donned the spikes – and felt completely silly as there was barely any snow left on the ground, let alone ice.  (Insert favorite idiom here…I’ll start: A day late and a dollar short...)

 

A few days later, then, I sat down at my trusty computer and penned the wittiest, most perfect blog ever. But did I post it? No. I thought I would wait until the next day so that I could add a photo or two and make any final edits.

 

Big mistake.

 

Yeah, sure it's autosaving...

Because when I sat down at my trusty computer the next day, the wittiest, most perfect blog ever was GONE. Not saved, even though I thought my autosave was autosaving my pithy writings every 2.3 seconds.

 

Not so much.

 

I was so traumatized, I can’t even remember what I wrote about and I couldn’t sit in front of my computer again for several harrowing days thereafter. Because I have never been able to recreate a blog – the words just don’t flow and I’m never satisfied with the second attempt.

 

(And I guess you’ll just have to trust me that it was the wittiest, most perfect blog ever!)

 

Hunh. Evidently my trusty computer is not so trusty, eh?!

 

Turns out that our yearly Microsoft 365 subscription had ended and my computer was no longer saving things. My computer was even sending out little death threats and ransom notes unless we ponied up the $99 for an update.

 

This is how little I know about computers. If I sit down at one and it doesn’t work, I have no clue what to do to fix it. Oh sure, I can turn it off and then back on, but that’s about the extent of my technical abilities.

 

Now here’s the worst part. Vince had already updated the subscription with the third and final key card that we had purchased when we bought his computer and, since it was for a family subscription, it should easily have covered my computer as well. Only when I asked Vince to make sure I was included in his “family” – and he did – his computer was not showing that he had updated the subscription.

 

Huh?

 

Yeah, that was my response, too.

 

We tried poking around on his computer. And on my computer. We tried reading the prompts offered by Microsoft. And we tried calling, but couldn’t get through to a real-life human. We even bothered our sister-in-law, who seems to be able to figure that sort of thing out, but she couldn’t make any headway either.

 

Points to Vince for his perseverance, because he finally reached someone at Microsoft (a guy in the Philippines who had live chickens squawking in the background), but he was extremely helpful and figured out the problem. Turns out that Vince has way too many email accounts and had used the wrong one.

 

Now my autosave is back on merrily autosaving every 2.3 seconds. I just need to make a note next year to renew our subscription before the ransom notes start appearing. Because I don’t think I could take another experience of sitting down to a blank page where hours before had been the most amazingly perfect blog ever.

 

Trust me.