Friendships as We Age. Part II.

A couple of weeks ago I had breakfast with a friend. We started talking about friendships and she described an article she had read (or maybe it was a podcast she listened to) about how difficult it is for older people to develop true friendships. That when you’re young, it’s easy to make friends.

 

Think about it – when you’re young, you meet kids in school and you become friends. Sometimes they’re lifelong friends and sometimes they may be just your friend from the third-grade.

 

But several things need to happen to make friendships “stick.” Some of these are: 1) shared interests or common ground, 2) continuity and consistency, and 3) similar priorities.

 

Kids are all in the same environment – they’re relatively the same age, they have school all day and homework to do and tests to study for. They’re all in the same boat, so to speak. They consistently see the same group of people every day for months at a time – long enough to build on budding friendships. And they may play the same sports after school or get together for play dates or birthday parties. So they’re together long enough to know who they want to become friends with.

 

Also, kids are in the same “stage” of life – they don’t have differing priorities. They need to discover how to diagram a sentence or learn the definition of photosynthesis. They don’t have spouses at home and they don’t have bills to pay. (And if they did, that would be a little creepy…)

 

Anyway, this is why it is sometimes difficult to build true friendships with workmates. Even though you are in the same proximity day in and day out, you need all the other elements to work together.

 

You can be friends at work and even meet for dinners or happy hours to unwind after the workweek, but if one goes home to a spouse and kids and the other goes to a quiet apartment, they’re in different life stages and may not develop true friendships.

 

Also, when one person leaves the company, they don’t have that same day-to-day interaction and their friendship may fizzle out.

 

Notice I’m using a lot of “mays” and “sometimes” here. There are occasions when true friendships are built with a workmate after only a few short months. It depends on the people and it depends on the circumstances.

 

This is where I’ve been lucky. I was in vastly different life stages than some of my work friends. Some of them were older, had kids, were married and had to deal with helping their children with their homework and putting dinner on the table. I, on the other hand, was single with few responsibilities other than to feed my cat once in a while.

 

Fortunately, I worked in a department where we enjoyed each other’s company and we had many outside activities, including department rivalry softball games, general get-togethers and holiday gatherings. I believe we named the first Friday of every month as a holiday that warranted a happy hour and dance party.

 

And, okay, by the way, I’m kidding about my cat. I took very good care of Tux – fed her every day and even cleaned her kitty litter box on the regular. She was apparently getting me trained to be a true servant to Maggie Minx several decades later – even though she probably would have been horrified to learn that I would be so devoted to a d-o-g.

 

Anyway, I digress. Somehow we built those work friendships into true friendships – and I cherish them even today.

 

I met one of my best friends on our first day at Ohio State. We had the components of shared interests (Elementary Education majors), continuity (many day-to-day classes together) and similar priorities (getting college educations).

 

Sue interrupted her schooling after our freshman year to get married, go to work and start a family. Interestingly, our friendship continued to flourish even though we were in vastly different stages in our lives. I couldn’t imagine being a wife and a mom. I couldn’t imagine worrying about paying the electric bill every month or making dinner for a spouse every night. Instead, I was still interested in meeting friends at the Thirsty-I and playing pranks on the guys in the dorm across the way from us.

 

A few years later, Sue and her young daughters moved to Florida and our friendship could have fizzled out then. But we made the effort to keep in touch by writing letters to each other. Yes, Virginia, there was a time before we had Instant Messaging and communication. Hard to believe now. Even calling each other didn't happen often because we were girls on a budget and long-distance calls were a luxury.

 

Eventually, Sue moved back to Columbus and remarried. And when I met and married Vince, the four of us became great friends, which is wonderful because it made traveling and hanging out together so special.

 

So it takes extra effort to maintain friendships as we go through life. But I, for one, think it’s worth it.

 

The friend who brought up the topic of making friends as we age and how it becomes more difficult? She told me about her own experience in this regard. Several couples who were close friends moved to other states and, while she and her husband were able to maintain those friendships long distance, getting together for a meal on a random Saturday night became problematic.

 

So they decided to explore other ways to meet people. They joined a pickleball league and play several times every week. Eventually, a small group from the league started meeting for happy hours or meals that didn’t include the actual playing of pickleball – and these people became friendly and started socializing more often.

 

Now, after 3-4 years, Susan would call some of these folks real friends. And that’s because all those elements – shared interests, continuity and similar priorities – are all present. They see each other on a regular basis, they all have common interests (besides pickleball), and they are all in the same stage of life – retired/no young kids to raise.

 

So while it takes some work to forge new friendships as we get older, it can be incredibly rewarding.

 

I’m grateful for the circle of friends I have. But I’m never averse to making new friends.

 

Just don’t expect me to pick up a pickleball racquet anytime soon. I've got bad knees and don't need more reasons to require surgical procedures.

 

Stay well, my friends. Until next time…