The New Holiday Schedule in Jane’s Domain

I’m glad we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. and his contribution to civil rights and all. But I’m a little peeved that I have never ever, in my entire working life, gotten the day off. Nor do I get to stay home and sleep in on President’s Day or Columbus Day or Veteran’s Day or even Arbor Day. (By the way, what is Arbor Day and do we still celebrate it?)

Vince didn’t work today because Columbus city schools are closed. They seem to be closed a lot – from my perspective, anyway – and he just got back to work after a two week break. My vacation allotment for the entire year is two weeks. And I do not get summers off either.

So is it wrong that I’m totally jealous that he had the day off and I had to work? Probably. But then, I get jealous when a girlfriend buys a new pair of really cute shoes and I’m still wearing last season’s flats.

Probably I should stop thinking of these national holidays as opportunities to sleep in and should instead think about what the day is all about and why we have a national holiday to celebrate it.

Yeah, sure. While I am certain there are some people who had the day off who did just that, my guess is that there were a whole lot more people who used it as an excuse to sleep in.

There are far too many of us out there who never get any holidays off other than your traditional Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas.

So I think we should start a new calendar and fill it with some brand new holidays. (This new calendar, unfortunately, will not be open to any city or state employees, anyone who works at a bank or the Post Office, or any school employees who have at least one day off every other week and all summer. I’m sorry to be exclusionary, but you people have far too much time off during the year anyway.)

So, let’s see. What should we celebrate? Okay, well, for starters, we could take the third Friday of January off for…uh, “National It’s Too Frickin’ Cold” Day. This holiday will be reserved strictly for those states that post Wind Chill Factors from November through March.

For all other states, there will be a corresponding holiday on the third Friday of August called “National It’s Too Frickin’ Hot” Day. Heat indexes must reach 100 before a state can legally celebrate this holiday.

People taking these holidays off will reserve one moment of silence in gratitude that they don’t have to get ready for work, slide onto the seat of their car and either (a) experience frostbite to their nether regions until the bun warmers kick in, or (b) suffer third degree burns to the back of their knees from the superheated plastic on the edge of their car seats.

March 15 will no longer be called the Ides of March because nobody knows what that means anymore. Julius who? No, instead, henceforth this day will be called the “Halfway Holiday” as it is approximately halfway between New Year’s and Memorial Day. Plus, it’s still Too Frickin’ Cold in the Midwest, so I’m sure those of us who live here will appreciate yet another day we don’t have to shovel snow to get out of our driveways.

One month later, April 15th, would be another very good day to reserve as a National Holiday (in Jane’s Domain, anyway). I don’t know about you, but that day can be quite taxing. If we take that day off, we can go shopping and spend our tax rebates. This would be good for the economy, right? Or, if we actually owe the IRS money, we can spend the day figuring out how to come up with the dough. I would not recommend robbing a bank to procure the funds, but you should note that banks WILL be open on April 15th because, remember, this is not a sanctioned holiday for bank employees.

I think this is a good start. I need to come up with ideas for May through December, but this is a work in progress and I’m willing to put some extra thought into the project.

Meanwhile, I’m going to request off for Arbor Day 2011. Maybe I’ll plant a tree or something. Or whatever it is you’re supposed to do on Arbor Day.

PS, I have to give credit where credit is due. My loving husband Vince did NOT sleep in this morning. Instead, he got up and cooked breakfast for me and went to the trouble of making me a latte because he knows I like them much better than plain ol’ coffee. So while I’m still jealous he had the day off, I’m grateful to have such a great guy in my life.