Penny Candy

So I was in the mood for something a little sweet the other day and, alas, we were fresh out of homemade melt-in-your-mouth chocolate chip cookies. Oh wait a minute – that wasn’t our home I’m thinkin’ of – that’d be Martha Stewart’s home. But, anyway, we didn’t even have a package of stale Chips Ahoy that I could nibble on.

So, instead, I turned to the little ceramic bowl on the counter filled with Ohio State Fair penny candy that cost us close to $10 bucks. “Penny” candy, my a--…um, you know.

Nevertheless, in that little ceramic bowl, amid the Red Hot Jawbreakers and Tootsie Rolls, was a sweet treat I haven’t enjoyed since I was a kid of around 10. And that delectable treat is: a Sugar Daddy sucker!

Oh wow. I never really noticed the name before. Or perhaps when a kid is 10-years-old, all the innuendos sail right on over their heads. Or at least they did back when I was 10. Nowadays might be a different story.

Anyway, I decided that, even though it wasn’t chocolate, I would try one. I fondly recalled the chewy caramel taste and eagerly unwrapped the bite size lollipop.

Before I go on, I should probably mention that there are several problems associated with childhood memories. Nothing is the same as it once was. First of all, I had problems unwrapping the sucker. Literally. The waxed paper was stuck to the candy, which, now that I think about it, probably happened when I was a kid because I sort of have this memory of spitting out wax paper. That’s kind of an icky memory.

And so there I was picking tiny bits of waxed paper from the caramel and getting tiny bits of caramel-coated wax paper stuck underneath my fingernails, which, you should know, is not a pleasant feeling.

Probably right around this point I should have switched my thought processes and considered eating an apple or drinking my 19th glass of water for the day to assuage my sweet tooth. But, nooooo. I kept right on picking at that Sugar Daddy wrapper.

Eventually I unwrapped it and discarded all the tiny bits of “stuff,” and then the second problem occurred to me even before the first taste. Caramel is deadly on dental work. As an adult, I know these things. What if chewing on this Sugar Daddy caused me to lose a filling? And then – because my fillings are so old – what if it caused me to break a tooth? Or – gasp! – what if I had to have a root canal?? (In my panicked little mind there is nothing worse than a root canal. Spoken by a person who has never had one, of course, and who doesn’t want to experience one anytime in the foreseeable future.)

Suddenly eating the Sugar Daddy didn’t have quite the appeal it had before I tried unwrapping it.

Geez-oh-man. Ten-year-olds never worry about this stuff. They just eat the candy. True enough, it might cause a cavity, which will require a filling and will then cause them to go through these mental gymnastics when they get to be my age. But there is no immediate connection to the cause-and-effect when you are ten.

So what did I do? I tried pulling a piece of it off the stick so I could slowly suck on it. (Oh, get your minds outta the gutter!) This was to save the fillings in my teeth, of course. However, as any 10-year-old knows, trying to pull a piece off a Sugar Daddy causes the thing to stretch like a rubberband. And, suddenly, the whole thing ripped away from the stick so that I was left holding a big stretched out wad of caramel that I had no idea what to do with.

I considered melting it and making a caramel apple out of it, but I think the same problem would arise with the threat to my fillings. The problem being of course, um, caramel.

So I carefully nibbled a bite out of the wad with my front teeth (my front teeth not currently filled with anything that would require refilling).

And you know what? I was not impressed.

Shocked, aren’t you?

It was too sweet and left a sugary aftertaste in my mouth that I had to remedy immediately by brushing my teeth. And flossing. And checking my fillings. And then scheduling my next dentist appointment.

Yeah, I sort of think there is a reason that we should not try to relive old childhood memories. They’re never the same. Grownup tastes change considerably from childhood tastes. All I need to say to prove it is give you the following quick list: Twinkies, Fruit Loops and Spaghetti-O’s.

‘Nuff said.

I guess the next time I have a hankerin’ for something sweet, Martha better hurry on over here with a batch of her freshly made melt-in-your-mouth chocolate chip cookies. And considering the likelihood of that happening is less than zero, I guess I’d better go with Plan B. Please excuse me while I run to Kroger to stock up on some Nestle Toll House break-n-bake chocolate chip cookie dough.

I think I’ve grown up enough not to try to eat the dough before it makes it to the oven.