About six weeks ago I received a
lovely pink orchid from some good friends. At least I think it was pink. It’s
hard to remember now since there is not a single bloom left on the thing.
I’m Jane Domain. And I’m an Orchid
Killer.
Admitting it is the first step,
right?
But the thing is, I am a little
shocked that it died so quickly. After all, I have managed to keep alive most
of the indoor plants I’ve acquired in the four plus years we’ve
lived here. I even just walked around my house counting them – 10 plants and an
actual tree – all different varieties and sizes and shapes.
Maybe they are all the kinds of
plants that are nearly impossible to kill? Or maybe I was smart enough to buy Jane-proof
plants. Or maybe they’re really plastic and I’m just fooling you. (They aren’t.
Well, okay, so one is. But I didn’t count that one in my tally.)
 |
| Evidence. See? |
Anyway, I carefully read the
directions that came with the orchid. I was to place three ice cubes in the
soil once a week. Alternatively, I could measure out a quarter cup of water to
add to the soil for watering purposes. Apparently the latter direction is for
those people who don’t own a freezer, an automatic ice maker or an ice-cube
tray.
Or perhaps this instruction is written for
people like me. Our automatic ice cube maker is on the fritz and our ice comes in
bags from Kroger. By the time the bag gets thunked down onto the cement floor in
the garage to break up the pieces of ice, the cubes are not uniform in size. Besides,
what is the standard size piece of ice, anyway? I, for one, don’t know. And my
concern was that I would either overwater or underwater my orchid. So, in an effort to be precise, I opted
for the quarter cup of water thing.
Simple – right? Oh, ha ha.
I chose Monday as my orchid-watering
day. Fresh start of the week and all that. Plus, I figured I could remember to
water it on Monday. By about Wednesday, all bets on plant watering are
off. So on that first Monday, the orchid
seemed happy to receive its quarter cup of water.
By the second Monday as I started to
water the orchid I noticed that several of the blooms on the left branch were drooping. So I had a little therapy sessions with my orchid.
Told her to cheer up – that her quarter cup of water was here to save the day.
In response, several of the blossoms
fell off onto the table. Yeah, that was not
the response I was looking for.
So I picked up the orchid and put it on
the counter closer to the kitchen window thinking that perhaps it needed a bit
more light.
By the third Monday, after I put the
quarter cup of water in the soil, the blossoms on the other branch looked
wilted and unhappy.
And by the next day all but one of the
flowers had fallen off. And when I
touched it, the last little blossom fell off the branch and onto the counter. Ack! I thought. I just killed my orchid!
My sister – who apparently has
several happy, blooming orchids – told me to keep watering it; that it may
bloom again. That perhaps it was just adjusting to its new environment.
Hunh. I’m beginning to think my
orchid is being a little ungrateful. After all, I get out the measuring cup and
everything. And I was talking to it and saying nice things. AND it has taken up residence in prime real
estate on the kitchen counter.
And this is the thanks I get?`
Nevertheless, I’ve continued to water
the orchid for the past two weeks, but I haven’t seen any progress. It looks
like I’m merely watering two sticks stuck in a pot of dirt.
But the green thumb wannabe in me
doesn’t yet want to admit defeat. So I’ll keep watering the orchid. I will keep
hoping that one day I will see a little pink bud on its branches. And I will
not accept defeat unless the leaves, too, wither and die. And only then will I
put the orchid out of its misery.
So if this happens, do you think I
will immediately go out and buy another orchid?
Nope, not a chance. Instead, I will then go out and buy a fake orchid.
Its only requirement will be an occasional dusting. Simple, right? Ha.
On second thought, maybe the best thing to do is
leave well enough alone and simply bask in the glory of my ten living plants
and one actual tree. My Monday watering schedule is kind of full and it doesn't leave a lot of time for plant dusting, too.
