At precisely 3 o’clock this morning my eyes popped open and I was instantly alert and wide awake. Don’t ask me why. I mean, no one was ringing the doorbell with some sort of emergency that necessitated my immediate assistance. Neither Twinks nor Jinx had bopped me on the nose to tell me she urgently needed her food bowl refilled. And to the best of my knowledge, I’m not subconsciously wrestling with some sort of problem.
So what was it? Dunno. All I know is that I remained wide awake for several more hours until I was finally able to drop back to sleep for about, oh, four minutes and thirty seconds before my alarm sounded.
My boss actually laughed at me and told me my sleeplessness is due to the aging process. He chortled and said, “Welcome to the club!” Before this, I had never actually heard anyone chortle. It’s a good word. It’s an apt word. But the very act of chortling evidently pisses me off. Who knew?
But I guess there must be some truth to that old adage, “misery loves company.”
I, however, am not willing to concede that my sleeplessness is due to old age. No, I’m perfectly willing to blame the whole Daylight Savings thing and that lost hour of sleep Saturday night. It messed up my normal sleep patterns. Yeah, that’s what happened.
It couldn’t possibly have been the bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans I was chewing on shortly before I went to sleep last night, could it?
No, I kid. I neither drink espresso nor chew on the beans to make it. So…c’mon. I haven’t had a problem with insomnia ‘til now, so please don’t tell me it’s what I have to look forward to. What’s next? Cataracts? Super-strength wrinkle cream? Liver spots?
Check. Check. And check.
Ack! I am in big trouble, mister.
Oh well. Maybe instead of obsessing over all those things that go along with senior citizenship, I should think positively. After all, senior citizens get discounts. Lots of discounts.
Ooh, yeah. I’m all about the discount. Probably I could even get used to eating dinner at 4 p.m. Can you say, "Early Bird Special"?!
So, okay, it’s all settled. I’ve decided to be all right with this whole aging thing. After all, what are my options?
But if I drop right off to sleep tonight and don’t wake up again until my alarm sounds tomorrow morning, we’ll just forget all this stuff and blame my one night of insomnia on the time change.
Because, honestly? I still believe 4 p.m. is still too early to eat dinner, discount or no discount.
Meanwhile, does anyone have any espresso beans? I may be willing to give ‘em a shot. My bloodshot eyes are drooping and my head is bobbing and threatening to smack down on the keyboard any sec…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………..