Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Job Opening: Christmas Decorations Taker Downer

I have a big ugly bruise on the inside of my right arm and I don’t know for sure how it got there.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  For instance, I can unequivocally state that I did not let anyone practice karate kicks on me. Nor did I fall out of bed last night.  And I’m fairly certain that I haven’t walked into any telephone poles lately.

What I think happened was that I sustained this horrible injury while I was taking down Christmas decorations over the weekend. 

Yeah, it was probably when I was hauling the heavy box containing the 7-1/2 foot artificial Christmas tree back down the stairs to store it until next year.  That sucker weighs about fifty pounds.  And if it doesn’t, you can’t prove it, so I’m sticking with the fifty.  Felt like it, anyway.

So now I’m thinking that maybe being the Christmas Decorations Taker Downer is too dangerous a job for me.  That task is probably better suited for a big, strong man – right?! 

Oh, who am I kidding?  There is NO WAY Vince is going to be suckered into taking over that job.  I could barely get him to agree to help me remove the ornaments.  And I think he was glaring at me when we had to unwind the extra lights on our pre-lit tree, but I can’t be certain because the branches were partially blocking my view. 

But, hey, it wasn’t my fault that half of the pre-lit tree wouldn’t light.  At the time I was in a hurry to get that tree decorated, so I didn’t try to figure out why they wouldn’t light, I just grabbed another strand of lights and wrapped ‘em around the tree. 

Clearly, I wasn’t thinking long-term about how all those strands of lights might get tangled.  Oops.

Oh well. I’ve never been very good at checking each light to make sure it is seated properly in its little plastic housing, nor can I ever locate those little replacement bulbs that come with every strand of lights.  Hey, I’m no engineer, people.  I’m just a woman who likes a pretty, well-lit Christmas tree.

Besides, I always buy lights that purportedly stay lit even when one bulb burns out.  Yeah, right. What a bunch of hooey.

So big bruise notwithstanding, at least all the decorations have been removed and stored in their plastic bins to await Christmas 2013.  At which time I will, of course, forget that half the lights on the pre-lit tree don’t work and I will wonder where the extra strands of lights are, and when I do find them and put them on the tree I will get them all tangled up again and Vince will probably glare at me when we try to remove them.

And so it goes… 

But I have to admit that I miss all the twinkling lights and pretty decorations.  The corner where our Christmas tree stood looks rather barren and empty – even with the table and cool amber vase that have taken the tree’s place. 

Believe me, I’ve toyed with the idea over the years of keeping the Christmas tree up all year long and changing the lights and decorations for whatever holiday approaches. Red and pink twinkling lights and red hearts for Valentine’s Day, green lights and 4-leaf clovers and leprechaun ornaments for St. Patty’s Day, pastel eggs and bunny ornaments for Easter and so on. 

The problem with that idea is that (a) it would require a whole lot of extra boxes of decorations and lights, and (b) it would require too much work on my part.  Yep, just call me lazy.  I do not wish to put that much effort into decorations for anything beyond Christmas.  And I’m even beginning to question whether I’m going a tiny bit overboard on that one.

Besides, no matter what color lights and decorations were on the tree people would still walk into our home and say, “Your Christmas tree is still up?” they’d ask with a puzzled look on their faces.  “It’s July, Jane. What’s up with that?”

And I’d have to shake my head at their denseness and point out all the little flags and strands of red, white and blue lights that so clearly indicate it’s an Independence Day Tree.

So…no.  I’m glad the tree is down and friends won’t be secretly calling me the Crazy Christmas Tree Lady.  With the big bruise.

But still. I think I’m going to hire someone to decorate for me next year. And take down the decorations once the holiday is over.  I don’t like big, ugly bruises.  And I’m lazy.  And I don’t need my husband glaring at me.

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