Friday, October 19, 2012

Digging in the Dirt is Not My Idea of a Good Time

My houseplants don't look quite as bad as this.  Yet.

Been a while since I’ve written a blog, hasn’t it?  Yeah, sometimes I’m about as creative as, well, a box of rocks and I can’t think of anything new to talk about.  My commute still sucks.  I still get lost.  And I still run into walls from time to time. 

All I know is it sounds awfully familiar when I start a new blog and it begins: “It took me an hour and a half to get to work this morning – and there wasn’t a single mangled car off the side of the road…” 

Last night, though, was a different experience – so I thought perhaps I could eke out a new blog.  Let’s give it a shot, shall we?

See, we went to Lowe’s last night and bought some plants.  To plant.  In the ground. 

I know – the Green Thumbs amongst you are rolling your eyes and thinking, That’s it? That’s the best you got, lady?  But what you don’t understand is that buying plants and actually having to plant them in the ground is a completely foreign concept to me.  I can barely keep a houseplant alive and all I have to do is throw a little water at it once in a while.  Certainly no digging in the dirt is required.

We didn’t even intend to buy plantable plants last night.  Instead, Vince and I planned to purchase a couple miniature evergreen trees that we could sit in pots on our front porch since the two fake green frondy things that we currently have out there leave a lot to be desired in the curb appeal department. 

Normally, I avoid walking outside and looking back toward the house and front porch as little as possible.  Trust me, I’m no Martha Stewart wannabe and I have absolutely no clue about how to make the flora and fauna out there look presentable.  Sure, I can appreciate it when I drive by a home that clearly houses a person who recognizes the difference between deciduous and…well, whatever word means the opposite of deciduous.    

I’m not entirely certain what “deciduous” means.  Heck, I couldn’t even manage to spell it correctly and had to use auto-correct – and you KNOW I’m the Spelling Queen.  All I know it that it has something to do with leaves.  But I don’t know if it means they fall off or stay attached. 

If we were rich, we could hire someone to deal with the deciduous vs. non-deciduous situation, but alas, my recent purchases of knickknacks for our new house prevent me from hiring a gardener.  And, frankly, if we were rich, we’d be hiring a cleaning lady first. 

And maybe a pool boy.  Yeah, yeah, I know.  We don’t have a pool.  But I always thought if you were rich, you were required to hire a pool boy.  No? Darn. Another myth busted.

But I digress.  (And I’m still thinkin’ about the pool boy…)

So, anyway, Lowe’s was pretty low in inventory and the few miniature evergreen trees they did have looked sort of Charlie Brown Christmas-ish.  So we passed on those.  The clerk was evidently some major horticulturist in a former life because she kept spouting Latin-sounding names at us.  Or maybe it was Swahili.  Or Greek.  I mean, who would really know the difference?

Nevertheless, she encouraged us to walk outside and see the plants, bushes and trees they had for sale.  Well, she didn’t encourage me.  If Vince hadn’t been holding my hand, I would’ve attempted to flee to the Flange and Bolt aisle as it might’ve held more appeal.  On second thought, no. No, it wouldn’t.  I’m not interested in flanges and bolts in the least.  Probably I would’ve tried to escape to the Target next door.  Yeah, that’s where I would’ve gone.  I’m all about the red bullseye.

Nevertheless, I was dragged outside where we saw a bunch of greenery.  By this point it was dark, so every plant out there looked exactly the same to me.  And they looked sort of sad.  They were droopy and losing leaves and looked like the sort of plants I would pass by in a store even though they were majorly discounted because the store was trying to unload them on some poor sap (like me) who would buy them and kill them within a couple days through no fault of their own (like me) and figure they were just a bad plant nurturer (like me).

Instead, we were assured that it was normal at this time of the year for these plants to look like half-dead specimens.  We were told that it was the best time to buy plants and plant them in the ground.  We were told they were 75% off.

Well, that did it.  Vince needed no further convincing and we loaded up a cart.  We bought some boxwoods.  And please don’t ask me what sort of boxwoods they were.  I’m lucky to have remembered the term “boxwood.”  We also bought two flowering trees.  One is supposed to have pink buds and the other white.  What kind of trees, you ask?  Hahahaha.  Aren’t you funny. 

What was even funnier, though, was watching us try to load seven boxwoods and two trees into my little car.  We looked like the Clampetts driving home with two trees hanging out the back of the trunk. 

So the plants are now sitting in their pots by the side of the garage where they will be planted into the ground this weekend.  By Vince.  Or maybe the gardener we haven’t hired.  Or the mythical pool boy. 

Whatever.  As long as the person doing the planting isn’t me.  Even at 75% off, killing boxwoods within a couple days doesn’t seem to make a lot of economical sense.

Besides, I don't have the proper equipment.  Like cute gardening gloves.  And those - whatchacallits?  Trowels.  Or spades.  Or pitchforks.  Or whatever tools you need to dig in the dirt.

Hey, at least I recognize my limitations.  Besides, I’m going to be busy this weekend.  It’s probably going to take all day to water the four house plants we have.  Unless they’re already dead.  In which case, I’ll probably need to go shopping for replacements.  I'll be easy to find.  I'll be in the Fake Houseplant aisle.