Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Just Call Me "Flash Fingers"

Have you ever borrowed someone’s computer and were shocked and appalled by how slowly it, well, computed? And you’ve thought, Oh, I’d SO be throwin’ this computer out the window if I had to work on it longer than five minutes!

Well, maybe you didn’t have that exact phrase running through your head since it’s grammatically incorrect, but if you have used a slow computer before, you know what I mean.

Anyway, welcome to my world.

For the past few months, my computer at work has been running on DOS, which does not stand for Disk Operating System. No, in my world, DOS stands for Decrepit Operating System.

I’m used to zipping around from Word documents to Excel spreadsheets and from Quickbooks to my various e-mail programs. I do this all day long. And I’m fast. Call me “Flash Fingers” if you’d like. Yeah, I’m that quick.

Except that lately, I’d have enough time to file my nails, take an excessive number of potty breaks and read an entire James Patterson novel in between the time I clicked to open a program and the time it actually opened.

Believe me, I’ve tried all the usual. Deleting unused files and programs. Running the File Cleanup and Disk Defragmenter programs. (Those took forever to work, but still didn’t make anything run faster.)

So I resorted to complaining about my slow computer. Loudly. When I was asked what was wrong with it, I’d shrug and say, “I don’t know, but it’s not workin’ right.” Hey, I did not get my degree in computers. I press the “on” button and if that doesn’t work, I’m pretty much stumped.

That’s what we have people who DID get their degree in computers for.

Fortunately, my boss was standing in my office yesterday when my computer froze. He wanted me to open a program so we could work on a project together, and I couldn’t do anything but stare helplessly at my computer and wait until that infernal hourglass timer stopped flipping. (Yeah, that’s how old my computer is. Nowadays, don’t they have a colorful little circle that spins while your computer does its thing? Or has even that been replaced by something newer?)

But the point is, our computer expert (aka our graphics guy) was instructed to get me a new computer. Immediately.


I have yet to work on the new computer, however, because he cannot get the old computer to transfer the files to the new computer. It keeps crashing. So we wasted two hours this morning waiting for something to happen. When it didn’t, he got me back on my old decrepit computer and I limped along making do. It was better, I suppose, than filing my nails and taking excessive potty breaks all day long. Besides, I finished the James Patterson novel yesterday. I even offered to go home for the day, but no one took me up on my offer. Darn my luck.

Hopefully, the file transfer will be completed by the time I get to work in the morning and I can resume my “Flash Fingers” persona where I can compute faster than a speeding bullet. Hey, there is usually a cape and a mask involved and I dig being incognito while at work.

Okay, I’m being silly. Probably I’ve had so much extra time while at work watching an endlessly spinning hourglass, I’ve developed a rich fantasy life. Interesting how my mind went to capes and masks, but I don’t think I want to explore the workings of my mind much further than that.

As my friend from New York says when he wants to change the subject: “How ‘bout them Yankees?”

So, anyway, I’m happy that I have a new computer. And I’ll be even happier when it is actually up and running.

I’ll miss taking excessive potty breaks, and the novel reading opportunities. And I suspect my nails will be a mess. But I’m lookin’ forward to donning that Flash Fingers cape and mask again.

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